Spur of a moment...

4.51 a.m. just couldn't close up my eyes now, even though it is so late night already.

Having quite a bad  health condition nowadays,

ulcer...

migraine...

diarrhea...

insomnia...

Plus I'm just bother by too many things that is happening around me now. Especially with people and also myself   struggle...

Just can't help but to just flash back how much road that I've taken and walk till now. Things that I see, things that I've experience throughout these few years of walking with God. Well God always had His way of reminding me stuffs. For example, God always remind me about how shitty I am and how much stupid things that I've do all this while, especially when things are just going too fine. Well in a way, I find it not that pleasant but well at least God is reminding me that I still have a lot of touch up to do in my life even though I see things like they are well and fine. But reality check, my life isn't what I think it is, there are still a lot of aspects that needs to be cover up, such as my on going weaknesses of ego and pride. Well just only this two weaknesses I can already make everybody dislike me in just a few minutes time.

Was thinking back more and more, trying to figure how did this ego and pride come in thee first place. But well whats the point of thinking bout it if I'm just trying to find a source to put the blame on only but not trying to figure out what I can do to overcome this unhealthy character that can drive people nuts. As I think more and more, I find that yes there was a source of where this kind of bad attitude come from, but in the way, I gave in so much that it had became a part of my life. And all I did was complain complain and complain. There was no solution, no revelation, no resolve in it those things that I whine and complain about. And at this very moment, I realize that I was so ignorant all the time even until now I still do.

The ignorance cause me a lot of pain and unwanted memories from the past, and it still affecting me until now. And currently I'm really so in pain because of my ulcer that is located near the right end gum. The whole face is swollen on one side and I can barely talk to move my jaw. Really hope that things can just work out better more now. But well life is control within our hands and also God's. If God allows it to happen it will, but still we need to take our initiate to do so to see the outcome.

well I guess I'm quite worn out now...

 can't blog more but will update soon enough ... 

till then.