Faith...

As painful as it is...

This is what you call life...

If this process....

We strive....

Towards something that is always unseen and unsure by us....

And that we call as.....

Faith....

Faith, I can say that this is a very heavy word to be use to describe an individual's believes. When you say that you have faith, means you really believe in that something that you would just put everything every hope into it. Strong word indeed I can say.

So how do we apply this 'faith' that we always mention in our life's ? We do often hear this ....

"I have faith in you..."

"Please trust me, have faith in me..."

"Where is your faith?"

Well I do admit I say this a lot of times, indeed very a lot I can say. Well my point is, do we really know what does it mean by really having faith in a certain matter?

All this while, I thought that I had so much faith in the Lord and nothing could have stumble my faith towards him, and my faith will just kept on rising and rising. But well, God see the pride in me that I claimed that I have so much faith that I can withstand all sorts of trials and temptation. But 2 days ago, God proved me so wrong that my faith is just that small.

Something happen 2 days ago that really struck me back into my old self, full of hatred, anger, sadness, displease, disappointments, frustration, irrationality, I just could get my mind straight at all for the very 1st time since I became a Christian. All I can say is my faith was tested till the max, and I failed it ultimately. And for the past few days its was just complaining, blaming, on others why this things happen rather than by admitting my own faults and my own weaknesses that cause such things to occur. I was being so selfish and self centered. Without knowing what is my fault I kept continuing doing all these negative stuff such as thinking of ways to suicide, inflicting wounds and scars on myself. To think back of what I did, I'm really ashamed of myself. So much for someone that claim that he has so much faith compare to others. Yet, I'm just a sore loser like everyone else. Just can't admit my fault and moved on and try to change it rather all I do is just sobbing bout it and complaining it again and again.

It really made me think a lot, is this the so called 'faith' that I said I have? If that's the case, is just the same as faithless. Because what is faith without actions? It means nothing to God, not even a bit. Was talking to my best friend just now, she help me realize a lot of stuff, bout what I should've done instead of weapping and sobbing over spill milk. All I can do now is to take up my cross again and keep on improving until I become better and better. And what she say was right, I can always advise her about become a faithful follower in Christ, but I am not able to walk my talk. That makes me no difference from others because all I know is just talking and boasting just like an empty tin. As loud as it can sound but the inner is empty.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:7

Then she show me this verse, I realize how a jerk I am and how stupid I am to do all this stuff. God's Love is never failing even though I had fail him so much not only this time but many times. But all I did was just complain while God did not even utter a single word when I've sinned so much. I'm sorry Lord, sorry for acting as such, and I'm sorry for acting like this in front of all the people that care bout me through out this period of time. I'm deeply sorry.

If God can love me as so graceful and merciful, I will do my best not to let God down though I always do. Lord just ask for Your help even right now to just help me, teach me and guide me to be a better person in Your way so that I can be a good testimony for others that needs help seeking the truth. I will continue to build up my faith, and I believe someday my faith will tell others how I walk this path with You Lord.

By faith I'm moved...

My Heart beats for you Jesus...