Thursday, December 10, 2009


Its 4.11 a.m. and I am still awake. Cool! Looks like I'm not gonna have any early sleeps for this whole week. But well, I choose to be like this so can't complain bout it.

Was meditating and praying to God just now, these few days is just too much of a havoc for me. Well not that people wrong me, but I've wrong someone and hurt the person so deeply. And the person is my Closest best friend. Still can't get over with the stupid things that I did to her. And I just can't forgive myself and so.

It just makes me think a lot, really a lot. What if I never do this, what if I never said that, my mind is just so full so misery, frustration, pain, self disappointment. Just couldn't forgive myself. And kept calling her, trying to phone her, msn, sms, any means way jsut to let her know that I'm sorry but just couldn't get a reach of her. Well definitely I guess, who will just talk to someone that just wrong you so so badly just right away. But well, I just could sit still so I tried to reach to her to make sure that she is okay, but responds seems to be I still don't wanna talk to you.

Well I understand how she is feeling now, and didn't really force her to say anything, except making sure that she is okay and safe. Just hope that I could just prove to her that I will change and mend things up, and hopefully our friendship wont be just a mere history after this incident.
i will just do my best in fixing and patching everything up.

As I was talking to God just, just realize I'm really an ultimate douche bag! All the things that I did to her was totally unacceptable and I kept on disappointing her every time. But God just reminded me this verse.

John 15:5,8

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

And I realize all this while I'm just doing things my way, my style by not caring about how other felt. I didn't put myself in her shoe all this while hopping that she will just follow whatever I say. This very moment I knew that I really did something ultimately wrong and damaging towards the friendship. I was over controlled by my emotions all the time rather than follow what God told me in my heart all the time. Until things as such happen, and all I can do is just cry over spill milk and just ponder upon my mistakes.

In a way, it shows that I'm really immature to handle these relationship stuff yet. So I guess what Winson and she say was right. is because of my immaturity that God had taken all this away from me because He know that I will make things worse. In fact I already did by not listening to Him. Is of that in obidience and also self-centered act that leads me to destruction. And now I learn that sometimes or most of the times we just can't do things our way and not caring bout what others felt. I'm very sorry for hurting you my dear friend. Hope you will really forgive me.

God must always be the center of everything, all in all without God we are not capable of doing anything especially when it comes to communicating and interacting with one another. God never ever make things hard for us, is just our stubbornness that leads us to this harshness. Even right now, my mind is still having the thoughts of I wish I followed what God ask me to do instead of trying to fix the problem myself, and because of my silliness I might have already lost a close friend that I cherish so much. God I'm really sorry for being such a stubborn person and not listening to what you say and always take pride in my way to solve the problems. I will learn how to be more sensitive to your words even more next time.

As for my friend that I've hurt, If you're reading this just hope that you will forgive me although I've said it like a lot of time and disappoint you a lot of times also. I'm sorry that I disobeyed God and ruined our relationship. Just hope that there will be a day where me n you can just sit down and talk and spend time like we used to do. I really miss those days that when we had no single argument at all. Really hope for that day to come. But now, I will just concentrate on my spiritual growth and also my character building and same time wait for you to accept me back. By God's grace and Love I'm sure you and I can go through and make it to the vision that you see.

Till then, just take care of yourself. I will just be around the corner waiting for you. And if you need me just text me or call me, I will be there right away. Again, I'm sorry. Forgive me.

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